


Head Above Water (Part 2)

by RonRos47



Category: Glee
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-02
Updated: 2020-08-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:47:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25665382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RonRos47/pseuds/RonRos47
Summary: Santana continues to deals with a personal issue and Brittany tries to help.TRIGGER WARNING!
Relationships: Santana Lopez/Brittany S. Pierce
Comments: 3
Kudos: 13





	Head Above Water (Part 2)

**Author's Note:**

> This is a sequel request to my story "Have A Little Faith."

A few days after Santana’s incident of cutting herself things had gone back to a semi-normal state.

Mr. Shu had given them their weekly assignment and she had been ready the following day. They had taken over the auditorium.

Finn was at the drums, the piano guy was playing. She and some of her friends began to free dance as Santana sung the song “Come on Eileen” by Dexy’s Midnight Runners.

Come on, Eileen  
Come on, Eileen  
Poor old Johnny Ray  
Sounded sad upon the radio  
But he moved a million hearts in mono

Our mothers cried, sang along, who'd blame them  
You're grown (so grown up)  
So grown (so grown up)  
Now I must say more than ever

(Come on, Eileen)  
Too ra loo ra too ra loo rye aye  
And we can sing just like our fathers  
Come on, Eileen, oh I swear (what he means)

At this moment, you mean everything  
You in that dress, my thoughts I confess  
Verge on dirty  
Ah, come on, Eileen  
Come on, Eileen  
These people 'round here

Were beaten down, eyes sunk in smoke-dried face  
They're resigned to what their fate is  
But not us (no, never), no, not us (no, never)  
We are far to young and clever  
(Remember)

Too ra loo ra too ra loo rye aye  
And you'll hum this tune forever  
Come on, Eileen, oh, I swear (what he means)  
Ah, come on let's take off everything  
That pretty red dress, Eileen (tell him yes)  
Ah, come on let's, ah, come on, Eileen  
That pretty red dress, Eileen (tell him yes)

Ah come on let's, ah, come on, Eileen, please  
Come on, Eileen, too rye aye  
Come on, Eileen, too rye aye  
Now you're full grown  
Now you have shown

Oh, Eileen  
Said, come on, Eileen  
These things they are real and I know  
How you feel  
Now I must say more than ever  
Things 'round here have changed

I say, too ra loo ra, too raloo rye aye  
Come on, Eileen

Oh, I swear (what he means)  
At this moment, you mean everything  
You in that dress, my thoughts I confess  
Verge on dirty

Ah, come on, Eileen  
Oh, come on, Eileen  
Oh, I swear (what he means)  
At this moment, you mean everything  
In that dress, oh, my thoughts I confess  
Well, they're dirty

Come on, Eileen  
Come on, Eileen

After the song was over Mr. Shu stood up from his seat.

“Help me out here, Santana, what was your goal with this song?”

Santana shrugged, “I just thought it would be fun.”

“Okay I see that but that’s not what this weeks assignment was about. You went on a whole other level.”

“Sure that was kind of the point. I was adding an artistic flare to it.”

“And that’s great but you should’ve stayed within the assignment. Rachel, mind demonstrating.”

Santana rolled her eyes but went to go take a seat. She crossed her arms as her classmate began to sing.

*****

Come the afternoon around three, school wouldn’t end for another half hour but she’d skipped her last period anyways so now she took control of the auditorium. She pressed play on the stereo that was there and the song “Voulez-Vous” by Abba began to play.

People everywhere  
A sense of expectation hanging in the air  
Giving out a spark  
Across the room your eyes are glowing in the dark  
And here we go again, we know the start, we know the end  
Masters of the scene  
We've done it all before and now we're back to get some more  
You know what I mean

Voulez-vous (ah-ha)  
Take it now or leave it (ah-ha)  
Now it's all we get (ah-ha)  
Nothing promised, no regrets  
Voulez-vous (ah-ha)

Ain't no big decision (ah-ha)  
You know what to do (ah-ha)  
La question c'est voulez-vous  
Voulez-vous

I know what you think  
The girl means business so I'll offer her a drink  
Looking mighty proud

I see you leave your table, pushing through the crowd  
I'm really glad you came, you know the rules, you know the game  
Master of the scene  
We've done it all before and now we're back to get some more  
You know what I mean

Voulez-vous (ah-ha)  
Take it now or leave it (ah-ha)  
Now it's all we get (ah-ha)  
Nothing promised, no regrets  
Voulez-vous (ah-ha)  
Ain't no big decision (ah-ha)  
You know what to do (ah-ha)

La question c'est voulez-vous  
And here we go again, we know the start, we know the end  
Masters of the scene  
We've done it all before and now we're back to get some more  
You know what I mean

Voulez-vous (ah-ha)  
Take it now or leave it (ah-ha)  
Now it's all we get (ah-ha)  
Nothing promised, no regrets  
Voulez-vous (ah-ha)  
Ain't no big decision (ah-ha)  
You know what to do (ah-ha)  
La question c'est voulez-vous

Voulez-vous

Voulez-vous (ah-ha ah-ha, ah-ha)

Voulez-vous (ah-ha ah-ha, ah-ha)

Voulez-vous (ah-ha ah-ha, ah-ha)

Voulez-vous (ah-ha ah-ha, ah-ha)

Voulez-vous (ah-ha)

Take it now or leave it (ah-ha)  
Now it's all we get (ah-ha)  
Nothing promised, no regrets  
Voulez-vous (ah-ha)

Ain't no big decision (ah-ha)  
You know what to do (ah-ha)  
I can still say voulez-vous  
Voulez-vous (ah-ha)

Take it now or leave it (ah-ha)  
Now it's all we get (ah-ha)  
Nothing promised, no regrets  
Voulez-vous (ah-ha)

Ain't no big decision (ah-ha)  
You know what to do (ah-ha)  
I can still say voulez-vous

Santana danced freely as she’d done before but added a different style. It was exhilarating. She felt animated and exuberant. Every good feeling was coming at her and she embraced it. She was on top of the world and nothing could stop her. Well almost nothing.  
From the top of the stairs Mr. Shu watched as Santana danced away her afternoon. As she was getting to play another song, she’d already lost track of how many she’d done, he walked towards her.

He smiled, “Hey.”

Santana smiled, “Hey, Mr. Shu.”

“Nice dance moves. You working on something new?”

“Not sure yet. What are you doing here?”

“Just checking in. Shouldn’t you be going home and doing homework or something?”

“Why, what time is it?”

“Close to five. You know the school locks up at that time, right?”

Santana shook her head. “No, right. I guess I just lost track of time.”

“How long have you been in here?”

“Since three I think.”

“Santana, you missed an entire period of class?”

Santana shrugged. She went over to her phone and saw she had several missed texts and calls from Brittany. She had forgotten she turned off her ringer and notifications so she could focus.

Mr. Shu looked at her with concern, “Santana is everything okay? Everything good at home?”

“Yeah, why wouldn’t it be?”

Santana hadn’t realized how fast she was talking but Mr. Shu made note of it though he figured she was just trying to catch her breath so he let it go.

“I just want to make sure. Santana, when was the last time you slept?”

She thought it over. She hadn’t slept until her last cutting episode which had been four days ago. She didn’t think she needed any.

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“Probably nothing. You should get some rest though, go home.”

Santana placed her hands on her hips. “Mr. Shu, I’m fine,” she said but beginning to get on the defensive. “You don’t have to worry about me.”

“I worry about all of my students.”

Santana nodded. She wanted to counter him but decided against it.

“I should get home. Like you said, I’ve got homework to do.”

“Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow then.”

“Yeah,” Santana said as she made her way out.

*****

“Hey,” Santana said to Brittany the following morning.

Brittany looked down. “You didn’t answer yesterday.”

“I know and I’m sorry. I just got busy and then when I got home I started doing some homework and I-,”

“Santana, slow down. You’re speaking too fast.”

“Right, sorry.”

Santana tried to slow down her speech but it wasn’t easy. In fact it was seeming to be a lot more difficult than it should’ve been. 

“Look,” said Santana, “I’ll make it up to you, okay? You know we could go out to dinner later, maybe enjoy a hot bath after.”

Brittany smiled. As much as she liked the idea she wasn’t too sure.

“When was the last time you slept,” she asked.

“Did Mr. Shu ask you to ask me that?”

“No, I haven’t even talked to him today yet, why?”

Santana shook her head. “Never mind.”

“Seriously though, when was the last time you actually got some sleep?”

“I don’t know, a little over seventy-two hours.”

Brittany’s eyes widened. She then whispered, “Three days, are you trying to kill yourself?”

“No, of course not. I just haven’t needed any that’s all.”

“Then what? Santana, this is not a good thing.”

“Don’t worry, it’s all good.”

“No, it’s not.”

“So about dinner-,”

“Forget about going out. I’m going to your place tonight, we’ll order in and then you’re going to get some sleep. You could really use it.”

Santana didn’t say a word. She was too wired and too tired to even argue.

*****

A week had gone by and things remained good for a while except on days that they weren’t.

Santana and Brittany’s relationship had hit a few rocks. They’d made plans to go out and for the most part stuck to them but there were times when Santana seemed out of control in terms of the speed in which she was talking or the grandiose ideas she was having like wanting to ditch school for a couple of days during the week and head to New York, a place Santana had always wanted to visit. 

Brittany had tried to reign her in but there was only so much she could do. Some days in class her days could be erratic that rumors started to spread that she was high on something. Brittany was quick to put a stop to them. She had wanted to talk to Mr. Shu and Miss Pillsbury about it. She even thought of talking to Santana’s parents but was too afraid of the consequences and what it would mean for their relationship so she remained silent. Still she was extremely concerned and was at a loss of what to do.

*****

Nearing close to three weeks, Artie saw Brittany over by her locker and so he rolled over to her.

“Hey, Artie,” she said to him.

“Hey. I wanted to ask you something and I hope you don’t take it the wrong way.”

“Okay.”

“What’s going on with Santana?”

“What do you mean?”

“She’s not acting like herself.”

“Well how should she be acting?”

“I don’t know, like Santana. You know she hasn’t said a cruel thing to anyone this whole week.”

“Maybe she’s trying to change. Santana isn’t the villain everyone makes her out to be. She just says what’s on her mind, so what?”

“Come on, you’re her girlfriend, haven’t you noticed anything wrong? Look I’m just concerned okay, we all are.”

“So what, now all of you guys are ganging up on her?” Brittany slammed the locker door. “Santana is fine.”

As Brittany walked away she knew Artie was right. Santana hadn’t been acting like herself for weeks. She’d missed several days of school last week and two days this week. She was never absent. Then when she was at school in a couple of classes they shared with each other, Santana was too busy looking at the clock or looking out of the windows or reading a book under her desk. Anything to avoid paying attention in class. She saw some teachers notice the reading but they only continued on with the lesson and said nothing about it. They hadn’t even asked her to stay a minute after to talk.

Like the others, Brittany too was concerned.

*****

“Can I ask you something?” Brittany asked.

“Sure,” Santana said. 

It was still early so the two of them were the only ones in the choir room.

“Why haven’t you talked to your parents about…”

“About what?”

“Come on, you know.”

Santana nodded knowing full well what Brittany was talking about. “There’s nothing to talk about,” she said. She raised her sleeve. The cuts from her prior incident were now just scabs. “See. Nothing new. No fresh cuts. I’m fine now.” She lowered her sleeve. “This was just a little slip up, okay, it happens. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve relapsed but then I move on from it.”

“Are you sure it’s not more than that?”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know, it’s just that things are different about you. I’m just not sure what.”

“Hey, you don’t have to worry. I’m still me.”

Brittany knew there was something more. Truth was Santana was completely different. She’d been acting different ever since her cutting behavior. Brittany wanted to talk about it more but before she could, a few of their other teammates entered.

“Come on, Santana, we still need to talk about this.”

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

Santana then went over to take her seat in the back row and Brittany reluctantly followed.

As Mr. Shu was preparing the assignment for the week, Rachel was giving her thoughts, no surprise.

*****

Rachel was talking as usual but Santana was only half paying attention. 

“Oh my God,” said Santana finally said. “Would you just stop with your whining? That’s all you ever do in here, Barry. You always have to have the better ideas or whatever relationship problems you and Finn are having for the week. And if you don’t get your way you always say the world is not fair. Well news flash you’re not the only good one in here you know. Just stop trying to hog everything all the time. I mean come on I can’t be the only one thinking all of this, am I right?”

“Santana,” said Mr. Shu, “enough.”

“Why because you say so?” Santana challenged. “Well good for you, Mr. Shu, let’s just give Rachel everything she wants because that’s how it always is around here, right? She’s got to be the star of the show. Well you know what, I’m done. I’m sick of being some sidelined backup singer to a girl who has absolutely no regard for anyone but herself.”

Brittany reached out for Santana’s hand but she pulled away, “Santana, what are you doing,” she whispered.

“What I should’ve done a long time ago. I mean god, how can you all take this crap? You know what, I don’t care. I don’t care about any of this anymore. I mean why should I?”

With nothing else to be said Santana took her bag and left the room. When she got down the hallway she leaned against a wall of lockers and tears began to stream down her face. She did her best to compose herself but the tears wouldn’t seem to stop anymore. She again tried to pull herself together and then made her way to the restroom.

*****

‘God damn it,’ Santana said to herself as she washed her face. She didn’t bother to look in the mirror. She’d come to hate them because she didn’t like what she saw. 

Looking down at her bag which she had placed on the floor she took a deep breath. The answer was in the bag. She took off the jacket she was wearing as quickly as possible. It couldn’t wait.

She reached in and brought her tools to the sink. Tears were streaming down her face again but she did her best to blink them away so that she could focus on the task at hand. 

Taking her scissors she ran the cold blade across her wrist a couple of times. A feeling of relief seeping out of her like the blood that fell into the sink. 

It wasn’t enough. In fact the cutting only made her feel worse. 

‘Damn it,’ Santana said to herself as she threw the scissors in the sink. 

*****

“Santana,” Brittany called when she entered the restroom. 

She found her girlfriend sitting on the floor with tears streaming down her face. She looked to see Santana’s left arm covered in some blood and saw the scissors there in the sink.

“Why is this happening,” Santana cried.

“It’s okay,” said Brittany, “you’re okay,” she said as she went into one of the stalls for some tissue paper. She then tightened the pieces on Santana’s arm. The scars were deep but not deep enough to require stitches which was a good thing.

The pressure that Brittany used should have stung but Santana felt numb to it.

The door opened. The last thing Santana needed was to be seen having a mental breakdown but she couldn’t help it.

“Hey,” said Rachel, “I came to-,” she said as she saw Santana on the floor with Brittany beside her. “Oh my god,” she said as she saw a few wadded tissues with blood.

“Can you go get Miss Pillsbury,” Brittan asked Rachel.

“Uh,” she said, “Yeah.” She left quickly.

“Santana,” said Brittany, “Santana, look at me.” She reluctantly did so. “Good. Just focus on me okay? Just breath. Hey, you’ve got this.”  
Santana nodded, tears still streaming. She hated what was happening to her but it’s like she had no control over any of it. Her body didn’t feel right and her mind no longer felt like her own. It’s like she was on the outside looking in even though she was very present. Though she had been alert when she’d cut herself it also felt like she was apart from her body and that she was watching someone else do it.  
After a few minutes, Miss Pillsbury walked in with Rachel close behind.

Miss Pillsbury crouched down. “Santana, talk to me, what are you feeling?”

“I don’t know,” Santana replied.

“Were you trying to kill yourself?”

“No,” Santana said quickly.

She had not even thought about suicide. I mean sure it crossed her mind a time or two but it was something she could never go through with. She had too much to lose and like she’d once told Finn, she would miss herself too much.

“Can you try to explain what you’re feeling?”

Santana was breathing heavily, “It hurts, everything hurts.”

“What hurts?”

Santana brough her hands to her temples. “Why won’t it stop?”

Miss Pillsbury had an idea as to what was going on but she couldn’t do any good by staying here in the restroom.

“Okay sweetie,” said Miss Pillsbury, “I’m going to get you some help. Let’s get you washed up first and then we’ll head down to my office.”  
Santana nodded and stood along with Brittany and Miss Pillsbury.

*****

After the incident in the restroom Santana now sat in Miss Pillsbury’s office with Brittany seated next to her. Miss Pillsbury had made a call to Mrs. Lopez who was now in the room with them. The four of them talked about what was happening.

Though Miss Pillsbury had given Santana a list of outside counselors a couple weeks ago, Santana had not looked into them nor had she talked to her mom about any of it especially her cutting. 

After the first time in the office Santana had done everything she could do to convince herself she was okay and that she didn’t need any of those counselors. To prove it she went on several spending splurges both in stores and online. Online shopping was the easiest. It was her way of thinking she deserved it, despite the things not being necessities. Often times as good as the high of spending was there came the lows too when the guilt and shame followed. It was a never ending cycle but still Santana tried to brush it off like it was nothing.  
Brittany however, was not as convinced. She tried to get Santana to talk about it but she would not budge. The more Brittany pushed it the more distant Santana got.

Now there was no avoiding it. After her bathroom meltdown she needed help more than ever. It’s what had brought her into this new office.

Santana sat across a male psychiatrist. She was nervous about it and even uneasy especially when the doctor started to ask all sorts of questions. He was there to help sure but Santana knew that because she was seeing a psychiatrist she was going to be labeled the moment she left his office and she hated labels.

*****

The next morning Santana looked up to see Brittany and Rachel standing by her locker. She took a deep breath and walked over. The first thing she did was hug Brittany.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered.

“I know,” Brittany replied.

When they pulled back Santana looked at Rachel. “Barry, if you say anything about-,”

Rachel smiled, “You don’t have to worry.” Santana nodded with a smile. “So how are you?”

“Better,” Santana replied, “I owe you both an apology. Britt, you were just trying to help and I kept pushing you away.”

“It’s okay,” said Brittany.

“No, it’s not. You’re my girlfriend and I kept trying to dismiss that. I shouldn’t have done that to you. I love you, Britt.”

“I know, I love you too. Just don’t pull away next time okay?”

“Promise,” Santana said with a smile. She then looked at Rachel. “I’m sorry to you too. I went off on you in Glee club and it was wrong.”

“I’m used to you doing that.”

“Maybe but from now on I’ll try to be better.”

“Thanks. So you’re really okay now?”

Santana nodded, “My doctor has me on antidepressants and a mood stabilizer. I have to see a counselor every two weeks.”

“That’s good,” said Rachel.

Santana shrugged, “He says that I have a bipolar disorder and depression. He told me it’s usually diagnosed between the ages of fifteen and twenty four so lucky me. This pretty much sucks. Guess I really am crazy.”

Rachel looked at her, “you’re not crazy, Santana. Your brain is just wired differently. You shouldn’t have to feel bad about it.”

“Besides,” said Brittany, “it doesn’t change anything. We still love you, no matter what.”

Santana smiled. “Just do me one favor, don’t spread this around okay? I’m not ready for people to know.”

“No one has to find out,” said Rachel. “We’ve got your back.”

Brittany took Santana’s hands, “always and forever,” she said as she brought her hands up to kiss them.

*****

Santana took a deep breath before the curtains opened. Dressed in black, a ruby red background and a spotlight shining down on her, she began to sing Avril Lavigne’s “Head Above Water.”

I've gotta keep the calm before the storm.  
I don't want less, I don't want more.  
Must bar the windows and the doors to keep me safe, to keep me warm.

Yeah, my life is what I'm fighting for.  
Can't part the sea, can't reach the shore.  
And my voice becomes the driving force.  
I won't let this pull me overboard.

God, keep my head above water.  
Don't let me drown, it gets harder.  
I'll meet you there at the altar as I fall down to my knees.  
Don't let me drown, drown, drown.  
Don't let me, don't let me, don't let me drown

So pull me up from down below  
‘cause I'm underneath the undertow.  
Come dry me off and hold me close.  
I need you now, I need you most.

God, keep my head above water.  
Don't let me drown, it gets harder.  
I'll meet you there at the altar  
as I fall down to my knees. 

Don't let me drown, drown, drown.  
Don't let me, don't let me, don't let me drown.  
Don't let me drown, drown, drown.  
Keep my head above water, above water.

And I can't see in the stormy weather.  
I can't seem to keep it all together.  
And I, I can't swim the ocean like this forever.  
And I can't breathe.

God, keep my head above water.  
I lose my breath at the bottom.  
Come rescue me, I'll be waiting.  
I'm too young to fall asleep.

God, keep my head above water.  
Don't let me drown, it gets harder.  
I'll meet you there at the altar as I fall down to my knees.

Don't let me drown.  
Don't let me drown  
(don't let me, don't let me, don't let me drown).  
Don't let me drown  
(don't let me, don't let me, don't let me drown).  
Keep my head above water, above water.

Once the song was over the light slowly faded out and everything went to black.

**Author's Note:**

> Though the Avril Lavigne song "Head Above Water" wasn't written until 2018 and released in 2019, for the sake of the story I pushed it back several years to fit the story.
> 
> *****  
> I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was in my late twenties. I wanted to add in another layer to Santana's behavior because sometimes cutting is more than that. Though she hadn't acted out like that prior sometimes it doesn't manifest, as she said until your fifteen through twenty four and a lot of the times it goes misdiagnosed. 
> 
> I am grateful that for these two particular stories, that Santana was able to allow me to tell her stories. I wouldn't have been able to write it without her guidance.
> 
> *****  
> In several scenes those around her are concerned about her behavior but no one ever says anything. I had those kinds of experiences in high school which is one of the reasons why I hated it so much. Though people questioned my behavior no one said anything, not even my teachers which was infuriated me the most.
> 
> I've been through a lot of the behaviors that Santana has. I've been through the cutting, skipping class because of the depression, the rapid speech. The feeling of being "high" in the sense that you're too happy and just feel like there's nothing in the world that can touch you. Being distracted every single second. The lack of sleep (I actually have gone over three days straight without sleep.) I've lost my temper and ranted to the point where I've been told it's like walking on egg shells around me.
> 
> The mania and the depression are as equally challenging.
> 
> *****  
> All of this being said, I hope I honored the bipolar diagnosis in a way that wasn't over the top and at the same time being respectful to it. This illness isn't an easy one to deal with. It can be hard to fight your own mind all of the time.


End file.
